self-worth

maybe we should all run

Apr162013

I ran my first 5K last year. It was a long race for this non-athletic girl battling for some shred of running talent, but I did it and finished and ran the whole time. My town is having its first full marathon (complete with a mini and a 5K), and I’ve been thinking about signing up for the 5K since it’s going to be such an exciting event. The marathon has been getting a lot of attention in my hometown because it will count as a qualification race for the Boston Marathon.

Then the news hit yesterday, and I couldn’t get those images out of my mind. People running, joyous at finishing such a major accomplishment. Then one explosion, followed by another. Screams, crying, blood. So much blood. People running toward the explosions, ordinary people next to first responders and soldiers hoping to help the victims. Amongst the horror, their bravery. It was humbling.

And I couldn’t get this feeling out of my head that maybe the best response for me was to sign up for a race. If you’re looking for something good to do in response to this tragedy, why not race with me? Marathons and other running races have always struck me as the kindest athletic events – everyone is supportive, and your only competitor is yourself. It’s a community I have a hard time considering myself a part of (since I am such a terrible runner), but it just seems like the perfect response to whoever is responsible for this tragedy: sign up for a race. There is more, so much more good in the world, and what better way to honor this day than to put on a runner’s bib and run.

Linking up with My Thrifty Chic and The Sapphire Bee today.

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7 Comments Filed Under: self-worth Tagged With: exercise, running

feeling good about myself (it’s an ongoing journey)

Jan232013

I hate working out almost as much as I hate cliche blog posts about body image, etc. And here I am, about to write about both.

I’ve been open about my exercise and weight issues (I don’t know if I’d call them struggles) on this blog because I want to be honest with you all. Almost two years ago, I lost 25 pounds – and last year I ran a 5k. Both massive achievements for a completely unathletic girl like me.

And then I got lazy again. I blamed it on the cold and my almost-instinctive craving of warm comfort food, and I blamed it on Indiana’s lack of quality produce during the winter – I blamed pretty much everything but myself, which ultimately did me no good because I gained a lot of the weight back.

I hate even writing that. It makes me feel like a failure – I failed my body, and I failed at life. Ok, I ~~slightly~~ overdramatize, but it certainly does make me doubt myself, which is possibly the worst feeling of all. So I’m doing something about it:

Get back on Weight Watchers
Stop making excuses about how cold it is, throw on some long underwear and take the dogs for a walk every night

On the plus side, I’ve been down this road before – I know Weight Watchers will work for me, and I know I can be disciplined enough to make it work.

But that’s also a downside – I’ve been here before. I didn’t keep the weight off, so now I have to do this again. But my goal this time is to come out on the other end with a long-term plan for keeping the weight off and staying healthy.

I feel like this was kind of an emotional vomit post. Sometimes when I’m struggling with something, it helps to read about other people’s experiences with the same issues – so I hope if you are going through something similar, this has in turn helped you.

P.S. My boyfriend thinks that I look wonderful no matter what. He is definitely supportive of anything that I want to do to feel better about myself but would be appalled if I thought he thought anything but wonderful things about my body.*

*ETA: Boyfriend totally added that line when I wasn’t looking. Just when I thought I couldn’t love him any more, he does something like that. God I love that boy.

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28 Comments Filed Under: self-worth Tagged With: exercise, weight issues

my first 5k

Sep242012

When I wrote my goals for this year, one of them was to run a 5K. The thought scared me so much, I had to put it in really small font ~~as if that would make a difference~~. But I accomplished that goal and ran one Saturday morning, and no one is more surprised than me.

I am not a runner – so to set a goal like running a 5k was tantamount to saying I’m going to stop shopping. My brother even asked if it was an April Fool’s joke when I told him. I tried training via the Couch-to-5k program very early this year but gave up when it got hard – aka, I had to run five minutes at a time. The 5k plan was abandoned sometime around March, but I stuck with interval training in the meantime.

Then summer hit, and I needed a confidence booster. I started researching local 5Ks and found that my hometown’s annual race was nine weeks away, exactly the length of the Couch-to-5K program.

via

I had a legit, real goal. Before I could change my mind, I signed up for the race.

I downloaded the Couch-to-5K app, which I cannot recommend enough, and made a training plan. And then I woke up 30 minutes early three days a week to run. It sucked. It didn’t get easier. But I did it.

The night before the race, I slept for about ~~four~~ ~~five~~ six hours. I never did sports in high school (marching band, holla!), and I had no idea what to expect at the race beyond a bunch of people in much better shape than me. My goal was to run at least two miles. Secretly though, my goal was to run the whole time.

My mom, stepdad, brother and sister-in-law were amazing and came to support me and my boyfriend, who was nice enough to be my training buddy, early in the cold on Saturday morning. I tried to act calm and cool. Inside I just wanted the race to start so it would be over.

Big points if you can find me (on the right of the photo). They shot off a blank at the start of the race, and I hate loud noises – so I missed the start because my ears were plugged. Oops.

When I looked at the route prior to Saturday, it didn’t look that bad. But running was a different story. I thought I was close to being done, and then I saw the 2-mile mark and almost cried. The cursing, which had been nonexistent, reached a new level, and I’m pretty sure the old lady ~~walking~~ running in front of me heard everything. I didn’t care. It was painful.

I’m pretty sure I finished close to last – and behind the old lady who had to be around 85 years old. I jokingly told my mom it would probably take me 45 minutes “if I’m lucky” – and it ended up taking around 43. But I finished – and I ran the whole damn time.

I think saying to yourself “I’m not a runner” is the get-out-of-jail card we non-athletic types give ourselves. And it’s a shame – because you don’t have to be an athlete to be a runner. You just have to be motivated – and of course cute shoes don’t hurt!

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24 Comments Filed Under: self-worth Tagged With: exercise, running

the fashion culture and my journey to health

Jun282012

For me, it was wrap dresses.

They’re supposed to flatter every woman’s body, but they always hit me the wrong way, emphasizing the thickness around my waist and my big boobs. They’re usually made of jersey, which never hit my body right.

The day I knew I had made a difference with my body was the day I tried on a wrap dress – and it flattered me.

Left, in May 2011. Right, March 2012 – 20 pounds lighter – and in a wrap dress!

I have set a goal for myself to get to Fashion Week in New York at some point during my blogging life, and I’ve been doing research ever since I made that promise. I’ve especially been reading as much as I can from other bloggers who have been there. Amy Odell (now formerly) of The Cut even had 10 tips on how to be photographed during Fashion Week, and as I clicked through her post, visions of myself twirling in Lincoln Center filled my head.

Those visions quickly scattered as I flipped to her next tip: “Be thin.”

Be thin.

Amy went on to reason, “The rule isn’t fair, nor is it news, but it is true: Fashion likes thin, as anyone who lives on Earth knows.”

Oh, believe me, I know how important those on high value being thin.

The only thing thin about me is my budget – and maybe my baby fingers. I was born into a family of tall people; while I’m the tallest granddaughter at 5’10″, most of my male cousins tower over me (though my height means I abide by one of Odell’s other completely unfair tips – hurray for me). I also was born with my mom’s body, which I love, but it means I will never be – according to high fashion standards – thin.

That’s just fine. But it still makes a small part of me feel like shit hearing someone else reiterate in my opinion the very worst part about the fashion culture.

I made a big change in my life over a year and a half ago. I had just had a quick physical and found out my bad cholesterol was too high. I knew I needed to lose some weight, but I had never really been faced with an actual health problem. I was only 25 at the time – and my bad cholesterol was too high? Not a good sign. It took me five months to gear myself up to take the next, very scary (for me) step: joining a gym.

I am not an athlete. My first non-A in high school was in P.E. (and I’m still bitter about it). My dad had to pay me to score a goal in soccer after five years of playing. I was the only eighth grader who could not serve overhand in volleyball. I wasn’t born with the athletic gene, I hate, hate, hate working out, and I love food. It was a wake-up for me realize I couldn’t shovel McDonalds down for lunch, have two bowls of pasta for dinner and still fit into my favorite jeans. College and the endless buffets of fried food and boxes of sweets didn’t help. Somewhere in the span of five years I gained weight and didn’t leave it behind when I graduated. Walking my dogs wasn’t cutting it. I had to go to the gym.

Naturally, this was made slightly better by buying cute workout clothes. But the most difficult part was going for the first time. Here were all these people who were all fit and knew what they were doing and knew how to use that scary workout equipment that terrified the hell out of me and OMG what the hell am I doing here?!

But that’s the nice thing about the gym, or at least my gym: no one cares how bad or good you are at fitness. It’s a victory that you’re even there. And if the most difficult part is actually going in the first place, working out is the ~~easy~~ easier part. Sort of. I still secretly hate it.

Six months after going to the gym religiously, I had only lost six pounds. Not good enough. So I took the next not-quite-as-scary-but-still-stressful step: I joined Weight Watchers.

This program worked miracles for me. It completely changed my diet and made me truly consider what I was eating. It also didn’t deprive me of anything, unless I made that call for myself (bye-bye, peanut butter. I still miss you). After around four months on Weight Watchers, I lost 25 pounds. And I’m really happy with that. I feel good about myself.

And then I read a comment like that from Odell, almost flippant in her bluntness about the reality of the fashion industry.

Perhaps that is what makes me the angriest: not the insistence that thin will always be most acceptable in the fashion world, but the indifference of the people who could do something to change it. If Odell did anything right, she at least acknowledged the truth. “The rule isn’t fair,” she wrote, as if this rule is the way it will always be and she is powerless to stop it.

To be fair, Odell did have some pretty critical comments to say against modeling agencies and advertisers after the American Medical Association denounced the overuse of Photoshop – which made her “tip” even more unlikely and hurtful.

I will never model in a Chanel show. I will also never be a fitness instructor. But at my next wellness check a year after I started working out and eating right, my bad cholesterol was at a healthy level.

That is worth more than a Louis Vuitton bag (or two) to me.

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